Little Mermaid

I’m a mom, and like just about every mother in the entire world, I think my kids are the cutest. In Maddox’s case, he really is among the most adorable. Lena’s modeling skillz are a work in-progress, but she’s made some giant leaps lately.

Umm, maybe a smile? No? Mkay.

Can you sit up and take a pictu……don’t pose like that.

Recently the kids had their school pictures taken by an, uhem, amazing photographer. What’s nice about this photographer is that they offer proofs of four photos and then we can pick whatever we want to order based on how amazing we think the photos are. Last year, Lena was still in her “I’m not going to sit here and let you take pictures of me because they’ll probably come out blank because I’m really a vampire” phase, so her pictures were less than stellar. They even brought in Maddox but his amazing modeling skillz couldn’t compensate for Lena’s desire to get the hell out of the picture.

Actually, this years’ photos of Lena were so much better and we could actually order one to distribute to family members without embarrassment. Naturally, most of Maddox’s pictures this year were also really good; we couldn’t decide which ones to order. But there was one that stood out and I’m thinking it was due to the fact that he looked like a member of the fish family.

Merman?

Hot New ‘Do

Ever since Maddox had control over his appendages I wished he would play with my hair. My friend Adrienne’s son used to play with her hair and it looked so relaxing. Fingers brushing softly through the hair, twisting the strands gently, curling the ends around his little fingers. Ahhh, makes me want to take a nap.

Well, Maddox never did that, but I do think I might be able to talk Lena into it one day. She’s a terror when it comes to her hair so my latest attempt has been to let her brush my hair first, and then she (sometimes) lets me brush her hair in return. And when I say “sometimes” I mean that she let me do that this one time a few weeks ago. Need to try that again.

A few nights ago I was putting Maddox to bed and, imagine my surprise when he wanted to play with my hair! He began by gently combing through my hair with his little hands and brushing it in every direction, causing horrid snarls in the process. But, ohhh, it was so relaxing. Soon, though, he started twisting it around and I felt the need to direct him in a style.

Me: “Put it in a bun.”

Maddox: “Like a hot dog bun?”

Well, what other type of bun would it be?

How to Fix Things 101

Maddox was playing with Lena’s fairy princess keyboard the other day and it wasn’t working properly. He asked me to change out the batteries and I told him it probably wasn’t working because he’d dropped it one too many times. Just then he dropped the son of a bitch and it started working.

Go figure.

Bibbity, Bobbity, Toenail

Grandma Mary was babysitting our kids one night when Maddox found a nice little present on the ottoman in our living room: it was a toenail. Evidently, some poor soul was too weak and famished to get their arse off of the couch and actually throw the thing away (cough, cough, BRODY), so the toenail found a nice little home on the ottoman where it could surprise and delight all of our visitors for days to come.

Maddox, who picked up the toenail, exclaimed, “Look Grandma! A toenail!” His eyes grew wide with amazement.

Poor Grandma, who was forced to feast her eyes upon the hideous thing, said, “Why, yes, that is indeed a toenail.” (Vomit in mouth).

“Will the tooth fairy come pick this up?” Maddox said, while grasping the curly object.

“No, honey, I don’t believe the tooth fairy will be picking up any toenails.”

“Well, what about the toenail fairy? Will the toenail fairy come pick this up?” he said as he got a closer look at the bodily doodad by holding it up to his nose.

Odd that he believes there to be a toenail fairy. I wonder what other types of fairies he believes in, since a toenail fairy seems to be the bottom of the barrel in terms of fairy-work. I imagine a toenail fairy to look somewhat disheveled, maybe missing a few teeth and harboring some sort of odor. She probably stopped off at the local fairy bar for a quick shot of tequila on her way out to pick up fallen toenails from around the world.

When Maddox woke up the next morning he skipped down the stairs to see if the toenail had been gathered up in the bosom of the toenail fairy and, lo and behold, it was gone!

“Grandma!” he proclaimed. “The toenail fairy DID pick up the toenail!”

Great. Can anyone tell me what a kid gets paid for toenails? I’ve heard the rate has gone up for teeth, but this is a different ballgame.

Gonna make you sweat

For those of you who don’t know, I have a teensie issue with my blood sugar. Apparently, when I was assigned this body, one of the prerequisites was to feed it every two hours (Oh and by the way, Jenny, you’re also going to have asthma, kidney stones, poor eye sight, bad teeth, frizzy hair and a short torso. I believe these are also symptoms of taking certain types of medication).

On this particular day I’d eaten a healthy breakfast and then a snack around 10:45 a.m., so I figured I could make it through to a later lunch in order to run an errand. Boy, was that a dumb idea. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid (hits head on table). As I was checking out, I thought I was going to ralph on the register and then pass out in the parking lot. I got into my car and sat in the air conditioning until I decided I could drive back to work. Now, should I have been driving? Questionable.

When I arrived back at work I sat in the parking lot mustering the strength to hike my way up to the building. As I sat in my car I realized I was completely drenched from the amount of sweat my body decided to eliminate. My pants were even wet from my ass sweat! I was about to get out of my car when I looked down and saw that the combination of sweat and belly fat had created a nice moisturific stain on my shirt.

I’m not sure why my boobs appear to be so large in this photo! Nice. I mean, yes, that’s how big my boobs are, for reals.

Oh, time for a snack.

Chillin’ at the lake with the chillins

We went to the lake again with our friends Adrienne and Chris, except this time we dragged the chillins along with us. Man, the kids despise that place, what with its nature and fireworks and disgusting scenery. I’m just thankful I was able to catch the kids in their more joyful moments, though few and far between.

I kid, I kid. They love that place.

Don’t forget about Stevie! It was HOT.

Here are a couple extra pictures of Lena that I enjoy. She’s most likely sitting in Stevie’s poo or pee in our yard in these photos, and in the first one I think she’s questioning it.

Hope everyone had a good 4th!

Lake Trip

We traveled to the lake with our friends Adrienne and Chris last weekend without the kids. If you have little ones, then you know it’s not every day that you can sit outside, directly in the sun, and fry yourself while drinking four Coronas in row and then eat lunch at 3 p.m.  There are these little things called “responsibilities” and “schedules” and “naps” that one usually needs to work around in order to raise socially acceptable children.

So we arrived at the lake on Friday night, promptly threw our responsibilites out the window and, drinks in-hand, began readying ourselves to go out to the local clubs so we could put our dance skills to the test.

Err.

Right, as I was saying, we thew our responsibilities out the window and, drinks in-hand, proceeded to play several rounds of dominos and Skip-Bo while Adrienne periodically took a turn at the puzzle table. I believe the guys managed to get a Jager shot in, which is custom, so at least that hasn’t changed.

While we weren’t quite as crazy as in our younger days, it was still nice to get out of town and enjoy some R&R without the kiddos. Adrienne and I even went on a nature walk! Can you believe that?! Usually our nature walks involve a lot of hollering at the kids to “Don’t go too far down the road!” or “Don’t touch that weird-looking plant!” so it was interesting to witness all of the noises in the woods that we don’t normally hear. We believe there were a few squirrels knocking down trees and following us as we progressed down the road. We think they were squirrels, anyway. Are squirrels capable of knocking down trees? Hmm. Anyhoo, here are some pictures from our “hike”:

We’ll go back over the 4th of July weekend with the whole fam so maybe I’ll take pictures of actual people the next time around. A special “thank you” goes out to Grandma Murry for watching the kids while we were gone. She braved the pool with two toddlers and took on the daunting task that is putting Lena to bed. Gahhh, that makes me want to scratch out my eyeballs just thinking about it. I don’t think the weekend had any effect on my mom, though.

Anniversary Dinner

The hubs and I took the kids and my in-laws out for dinner on our anniversary the other night. I know, romantic, right? It was nice to get out after Brody and Bob had been working on sanding and staining the deck all day (while I sat inside in the air conditioning). Okay, okay. I went to Kohl’s, too. Schwoo. Hard work, that is. We were fortunate to get a large booth in the corner of the restaurant, which is THE perfect location when you have little kids and you’re not sure how they’re going to behave. Don’t want to irritate the other patrons, you know.

We hadn’t been sitting in our booth very long when Maddox started misbehaving and Brody had to take him outside to let him cool down. In the mean time, Bob and I witnessed Lena shove her finger down her throat at the table. As expected, Lena let out quite the gag and Bob and I had a good giggle at her stupidity. Hahahaha…what an idiot. You don’t stick your finger down your throat, Lena! You’ll make yourself barf! A couple of minutes passed and we thought she’d gotten over the need to explore her mouth with her hand, but I felt Lena lurch and instantly there was puke all over the seat next to me and it was making its way to my leg. I tossed Lena to Bob and cleaned up what I could, but not before the barf soaked into my jeans and found a cozy home on Lena’s clothing.

Brody and Maddox arrived back at the table and we all had a good laugh at what had transpired. Hahahahahaha…ohhh, it was soooo funny. NOT funny when you’re trying to eat your buffalo chicken wrap and all you can smell is vom. Doesn’t particularly contribute to the lovely ambiance.

Lena didn’t eat a thing at dinner so I was beginning to think maybe she was coming down with a bug or something. We asked for our ticket and waited patiently while our plates were being cleaned up. Suddenly Lena became very clingy and whiney and wanted to crawl all over me. I didn’t know what she wanted: “Do you want a French fry? Do you want a drink? Do you want a….” And then it happened again. I was holding her and she ralphed over my shoulder, down my back and into my pants. It was everywhere. All Bob could do was wipe the chunks off my back while the rest of the projectile soaked into my clothing.

 

Needless to say, we ran out of there like our pants were on fire. And I rode home lunging forward in my seat while trying not to think about the vomit that was soaking through my bra.

Happy anniversary, Brody! Err, maybe next year.

My Precioussssss….an update

Since I deviated from my usual children’s stories and honored you guys with a rather provocative post on my long arm hair, I felt it only appropriate to provide you with an udpate on its progress.

Well, I’m sad to say My Precioussssss seems to have lost about half of its existence in…a…hair accident. Where did it occur? I have no idea. It’s lying on the Kohl’s fitting room in a pile of polyester, perhaps? My mom told me I shouldn’t be “nurturing and fertilizing” it, so I think that’s what did it in; it was hurt by Grandma’s harsh words. Sowwy, wittle baby (stroke, stroke). It’s still around 2 inches long so, while it doesn’t wrap around my arm like it used to, it’s still impressively lengthy. I have high hopes for its future.

Oh, crap. I just pulled it out.

Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my hair.

Maddox’s obsession with his Justin Bieber haircut has taken a turn for the worst. I suppose you could say he actually has Bieber Hair Fever (well, before Justin cut his hair into that rather KD Lang-type ‘do, anyway). Rather than your average 4 year-old boy who enjoys his fair share of a little bedhead in the morn, Maddox must comb and flatten and smooth and squash his hair down to the point where it is so plastered to his head, one wonders if he actually has any hair at all.

Evenings after bath are typically spent with him in front of the mirror contemplating in which direction to comb his hair.

Left?

Right?

Combo?

And, God forbid there’s a hair that’s misbehaving, because then he has to start the process all over again.

Maybe his dad needs to teach him a thing or two about hair that sticks straight up in the air.